Warning, this is a spoiler based review
So far I'd managed to avoid something from The Asylum, though with Lake Placid 3 and Dinocroc vs. Supergator being made for the Sci-fi/Syfy channel, I had to eventually get to one of these. Depending on how bad this movie is will determine the next movie I review. If it's as good as Lake Placid 3 on the 0 - 10 scale, then I shall be tackling Mega Python vs. Gatoroid next. If it's abysmal however, I'll be skipping that one because there's only so many of these I can take without going crazy. I've heard how bad Mega Python vs. Gatoroid is and quite frankly one piss poor Asylum giant crocodile movie is enough for me.
We begin with some fairly dramatic music as the credits play over some stock footage and godammit, Robert Picardo is in this movie which means I'm going to have to make some Star Trek Voyager jokes at some point.
We see some gentlemen mining a cave for diamonds.... I'm not going to start researching diamond mining for this movie, but from what I know, they do not come out that shiny. The men appear to be either slaves or extremely underpaid workers. A man who has found a large diamond hands it to a man called Mr Ross, who is rude and unpleasant. Ross says that it's not a diamond, it's a shell and tosses it, but then the cave starts to collapse, Ross shoots the ceiling and tells them to get back to work as the cave stabilises. The cave shakes again and we hear a growling sound as the workers leg it. A giant set of half- rendered jaws come out and snap and Mr Ross, then we get our first look at Crocosaurus.
|He's a big bugger|
|Not a chance in hell did that croc fit through that hole|
Crocosaurus stamps on a random miner and the guy who thought he'd found a diamond manages to escape into the trees. Meanwhile in the Atlantic ocean, the USS Gibson is looking at it's sonar screens, waiting for something to happen. The captain wants to see the "Shark Guy" and we see a guy sat looking at a projection screen with the silhouette of a shark on it, because they don't expect me to believe that that's actually a shark inside a tank, on a boat do they? It would be too small for a real shark to live in and well, it's literally just a black shadow outline of a shark. He's testing sound on the shark.... to repel it. If he's trying to test ways of repelling sharks, why not use the real research which exists already involving electro pulses?
Oh God... I've just realised that this crocodile movie has a shark in it and I know far too much about sharks to not nit pick it, I'm going to need something strong to get me through this review. *Runs to find the Trebor extra strong mints*
Alright, movie. You expect me to believe a shark shadow, inside a teeny tiny tank with flimsy glass is on a boat. You have officially ticked me off.
Great white shark.... GREAT WHITE SHARK!!!!?!?!!!11!!>!>!FUCKNO>??!?!!! NO! BAD MOVIE! Great White Sharks cannot survive in captivity! The only way they have managed to keep them in any kind of captivity was in a 4 million litre, outdoor enclosure and those were juveniles being tagged and released.
Movie, we are now mortal enemies.
The "shark guy" will now be known as the IdiotMan. IdiotMan goes to see the captain who asks him to explain some wibbly lines on the screen. IdiotMan says it could possibly be the big shark from the previous movie, the Captain refuses to believe this and thinks it's whales. IdiotMan wants to get his magic speakers to make the giant shark go away, but his girlfriend tells him to calm down and it couldn't possibly be a giant shark.
IdiotMan decides to ignore his girlfriend and put his magic speakers in the water anyway, but as he realises he was supposed to meet her, the giant shark jumps over the boat.
|Does it count as Jumping the Shark when the shark is the one jumping?|
Meanwhile in the Congo, a man hacks through the bush and is chased by a wild pig which he hits and straps to his back. He goes to a bar in a tent and tells the owner his pig will wake up in three days, the bar owner is not happy. A blonde woman enters the bar and asks the hunter if his name is Nigel. She says that the locals have reported a strange creature (Crocosaurus I'm guessing) coming out of the mine. Nigel says he isn't interested.
It turns out Crocosaurus has killed 34 men already and she's willing to pay him triple his fee if he can find and capture whatever it is that's killing them. He agrees. On a copter ride over the jungle, she tries to explain that her coal mining company pays the workers a decent wage, but he's dubious and tells her that he'll get on with her if they just stick to monsters. It was a diamond mine earlier. She spots a crater below and says that's the spot where some of the attacks have been.
Blonde woman wants to hurry things along because she has a meeting and offers to pay him and call it a methane leak. Nigel tells her that there's definitely something there because she is standing in it's giant footprint. Nigel finds some human squish and a set of legs, he also finds a scale. The blonde woman goes wandering near a pond and slips into it, then she notices a growling crocodile in front of her and as she backs further into the water, she discovers she is standing on Crocosaurus. Crocosaurus stands up as a still image of the actress stands perfectly still on it's head. Then it eats her.
Nigel runs into the cave which Crocosaurus originally came out of, but now it can't seem to fit inside it. Nigel runs out and jumps into Crocosaurus's mouth in order to tranq it and Crocosaurus passes out. Nigel calls his friend and tells him to come meet him outside because he has a large croc to show him.
|Nigel painted the crocodile black, for the lulz.|
Meanwhile in LA in an interrogation room, IdiotMan is being asked how he was the only survivor of a ship that had 2200 people aboard. IdiotMan asks for the data from the boat, a woman then enters the room and tells the interrogator to get out. She introduces herself as Special Agent Hutchinson, which is a mouthful so we'll be calling her SAH. She tells IdiotMan that she wants him to help hunt the shark, even though he's clearly traumatised, she allows him to come with her straight away.
In the Atlantic ocean, the movie makes a cheap joke.
|The crocodiles "eggs"|
On SAH's boat with IdiotMan, The Doctor tells his lieutenant that he really wants to smoke his cigar. IdiotMan and SAH come in and The Doctor gets my back up by coming down on the Carcharocles side of the C.Megalodon argument. About 3 people just agreed with me and everyone else scratched their heads. Babble, babble, babble they want to kill the shark.
On a beach, two children cover Nigel in sand till he wakes up and points an antique gun at their heads. Responsible! Nigel and friend seem to have washed up on a beach resort, SAH comes in and gets Nigel a whiskey so he leaves with her.
She questions him about the attack and he tells her some factually inaccurate information about crocodiles, she then says she wants to know about the shark, not the croc. She tells him to come with her, now that they've got a giant shark and giant croc problem. On the boat, The Doctor also discovers they've got a secondary problem.
|Three guesses how this ends|
IdiotMan doesn't want them to do any research or testing, because he's an idiot, but The Doctor insists that they actually let Nigel go get the crocodile eggs. Which IdiotMan thinks could be shark eggs. Not that they would be, because that genus of shark doesn't lay eggs, they give birth to live pups, but this movie thinks you can keep a Great White in captivity on a boat. In the helicopter, IdiotMan and Nigel get into a pissing match, but SAH tells them to can it.
SAH asks how long before the eggs hatch, but Nigel says he can't be sure due to the age and size of Crocosaurus. SAH asks, how will they know when they hatch, Nigel tells her, "You'll know by the little crocodiles, the little 25 to 30 feet crocodiles, eating people." This is actually a good line.
While IdiotMan faffs around with his magic speakers, SAH and Nigel go hunting for croc eggs in a dank cave. SAH says that crocs normally lay their eggs near water, Nigel says that in Africa, the croc laid her eggs under the water, he wonders if this wasn't an accident and dashes out of the cave with SAH close behind him. Nigel then borrows SAH's magical binoculars to see the eggs underwater.
|It's magic, you don't have to explain it!|
|The shark eats the croc eggs|
|The crocodile breaks through a cliff face|
The helicopter gets out as a bunch of plans come in to blast the eggs, they completely miss the crocodile. They call in the national guard as the croc heads to Miami and a ship goes after the shark. The shark, I am not making this up, catches the torpedo the ship fired at it, in it's mouth, it then launches itself into the air and spits out the torpedo.
|Ok, movie, subtle.|
Everyone gets back aboard the boat and The Doctor tells them that the eggs will be arriving very soon, two by helicopter, two by sub. On the sub carrying the eggs, one starts to hatch and the shark.... hears this... and decides to take matters into it's own... teeth.
|It's worth pointing out at this juncture, that the shark has no sexual organs|
SAH, Nigel and IdiotMan head out in a helicopter with IdiotMan moaning about his balls. Nigel says they can retrieve the eggs from his sunken ship to lure the croc and The Doctor sends a sub after the sunken ship. The sub hits an ocean wall and takes on water, but they continue on and find the eggs, sans ship.
Helicopters arrive carrying an egg at the Panama canal, prompting IdiotMan to say, "it's a crocodile egg," well duh! IdiotMan wants to prepare his magic speakers, but SAH tells him once the egg is in the water, the creatures will come. The Doctor lets them know that both the shark and the croc are on their way and they have to get out. The ships gathered in the water fire wildly at the shark and miss, every single time, forcing the shark to use the same jump effect from the beginning of the movie.
The shark makes it to the first lock of the canal, then the croc arrives soon after, planes and ships continue firing, hitting everything but the shark and the croc.
|1 hour 7 minutes in, we get the Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus|
The Doctor, IdiotMan and Nigel discover that the crocosaurus has been laying thousands of eggs all over the sea, where ever it's been and they're about to start hatching. The croc starts heading to it's eggs, the shark behind it and a nuclear sub behind that. They try nuking the shark, but keep missing and they are near underwater volcanoes which means if they hit the volcanoes, they'll destroy Hawaii. IdiotMan remembers that sharks are attracted by the electromagnetic pulse of metal and tells the sub to turns off it's engines. Which it does, but then the shark swallows the sub whole. It's too ridiculous to screencap.
Nigel and IdiotMan argue about whether or not there are more eggs and then they get into the helicopter with SAH... again. More eggs hatch in Hawaii and the baby giant crocodiles start eating the same extras from Miami. The giant croc snaps at the helicopter and they crash land. SAH is badly hurt and IdiotMan has a mental break down, thinking that SAH is his fiancée, the acting is terrible.
The giant shark eats the baby crocs and the mother shouts for the baby crocs to all head for her, more planes arrive and start bombing the area, again hitting everything but the shark and croc. The shark and croc have the same fight they had earlier and IdiotMan decides he's now going to blow up a volcano and use that to kill the croc and shark, even though this was a bad idea five minutes ago. He says he will do it with his magic speakers which Nigel points out have yet to work yet at any point during the movie, the actor who plays Nigel seems drunk in this scene. I wish I was drunk.
The Doctor gets pissed off and breaks his cigar, Nigel and IdiotMan head out in a rubber dingy whilst the shark and croc fight. IdiotMan's magic speakers finally and it summons the creatures, Nigel wants to get the boat out of there before they get caught in the nuclear explosion and IdiotMan calls him an idiot. Nigel drives the dingy away and SAH comes for them in the previously very badly damaged helicopter which seems fine now. The underwater volcano explodes, engulfing the babies, the croc and the shark in lava, killing them all. The Doctor gets to smoke his broken cigar. End of Movie. Post credits, Nigel goes to see his friend on the island he left him on, Nigel says that he just got a call from Japan about a giant lizard. Real end of movie.
What a piece of shit this movie is. It makes me so angry and I dislike it when I get angry about stupid movies. This is a terrible, terrible movie. The factual mistakes are inexcusable, it's the kind of thing you can find out about after a 30 second google search, it's lazy writing and that just annoys the hell out of me.
The shark and the croc both do ridiculous and over the top things, which I can't gleam any enjoyment out of because it's just not funny. The shark swallowing a submarine, the croc bursting through cliff faces, it's more than a suspension of disbelief will take you to the point where you have to wonder if The Asylum set out to make these movies so goddamn terrible. Roger Corman may make terrible movies, but at least he puts effort into trying to get them right.
There are no likeable characters in this movie, because they are barely characters. They jump between being on the helicopter, being on the boat, chasing after the croc, Nigel and IdiotMan argue, being on the helicopter, being on the boat, lather, rinse, repeat and there's no reason for any of it. Stuff just happens. That really should be the title of the movie.
I never ever, want to see this movie again, I'd actually happily put on Dinocroc vs Supergator than watch this movie one more time. The reuse of effects shots is awful, if you can't afford to keep doing the effects, then stop writing them into the goddamn script.
I'm giving this movie something for having a couple of decent actors in it, even if they barely did anything and I'm still letting it have the one decent line. Those are the only good things I can find to say about this film.
Also I think it's safe to say that I will not be watching Mega Python vs Gatoroid after this.
2 out of 10