Killer Crocodile - A Killer Crocodile Movie

Killer Crocodile is an apt, if unimaginatively named Killer Crocodile, Italian horror movie from 1989.  I hadn't even heard about this one even when doing my research first time around for Killer Crocodile Season.  I stumbled across the title quite by accident while looking into something else, so of course I had to share.

Warning, this is a spoiler based review

Congratulations if you can actually get hold of a copy of this Italian Horror movie, it's not available on region 1 DVD and it is only available on region 2 if you buy from one particular seller on amazon and are willing to pay through the nose for it.  It's sequel, Killer Crocodile 2, isn't available on dvd in region 1 or 2, I didn't check through other regions, but if you actually want to see this movie you can find it through not entirely legal means on the internet.

We open on a couple of guys sitting on a boat discussing the current state of the river they are fishing on, I already don't have too many high hopes for the movie as the camera is moving about a fair bit, but I'll give it a chance, I could be wrong, it could turn out to be really good.

The two, obviously dubbed guys, discuss trying another place down river which has more fish and has a warmer climate and blame pollution for the reason that there aren't as many fish in the area as there once was.  The camera slowly moves in during this conversation so that the two guys are eventually completely out of shot and then the crocodile jumps up and makes a sound much more akin to a big cat than anything a crocodile should actually make and oh god....  it's such a fake crocodile.

When it simply opens it's mouth, that's fine, but then the crocodile is either lifted by stage hands or is drawn up on a wire, either way it's a completely awful set of movements and the poor movie is off to a very bad start.

We transition from the title card to a moving POV shot which skims the top of a river during the day time, my left eye starts to twitch as what plays over the top is the JAWS theme tune, but tweaked very, very, slightly.  The credits roll over the top of this shot and the scene eventually switches to a boat travelling down the river, then a white car pulling up somewhere and a guy with a guitar gets out.

The scene changes again and we see the crocodile's foot, followed by the crocodile's head, I'm willing to forgive the movie a lot of shortcomings if it keeps me entertained with a fair amount of death scenes.  The crocodile watches the man with the guitar and a woman with a big 80's boom box set up some towels on the shore line and the guy starts playing his girlfriend a pretty little tune on his guitar.

The girl looks bored and slightly annoyed because the guy has taken up all the room on the towel, meaning she has to sit in the mud, ah, last of the true romantics.  The guy finishes his song and wants sex, but the girl decides she wants to go for a swim instead.  The girl swims around for a bit and beckons her boyfriend in and he ignores her and plays his guitar, then in the movie's second JAWS rip off, the girl gets pulled under, then pops back up and begins screaming and then he takes his sweet time about getting in the water to help.

The girlfriend is dragged through the water until her hand disappears.  We then cut to a group of people on a boat, one guy is taking photos, Mark, one guy has a hat and looks suspiciously like Greg Sestero from The Room, another is dragging a stick through the water, a woman is taking water samples, Jennifer, there is one woman with dark hair and another woman is sunbathing on the bow, Pamela.  There is also a cute a little doggy.

The guy with the stick reminds them that they are not on holiday and they are looking for signs as to why the river is polluted and then tells off Mark for using too much film.  Mark hands off a used roll of film to Pamela and asks her to take care of it for him.   Mark notices that the further down river they travel, the less wild life they see, they haven't seen any birds for miles, Pamela agrees with him.  Jennifer says that she's been checking the water samples and the further they go the more polluted the water becomes and it is man made pollution from some sort of chemical plant.

The dark haired girl says that there is no chemical plant on the island and she's lived there all her life, the guy with the hat deduces that someone must be bringing the industrial waste to the river in order to dump it from some place else. 

The boat hits something and rocks and the hat guy warns about sand bumps in the river, though how they are supposed to spot these when it is clearly a filthy river is anyone's guess.  The boat travels on and they come across the remains of chemical waste.  The guy in the hat, Kevin, steers into the shallow water and then anchors the boat while the guy with the stick, Bob, puts on a haz suit in order to get close to the waste drums.

Mark snaps some photos and the dark haired girl and Pamela measure how deep the water is and test the solidity of the river floor, telling Bob that it's about a metre deep and relatively solid.   Bob swears that as soon as he has a reading he will get back on the boat and so the crew help him lower himself into the water. 

Bob swims over to the barrels and takes a reading with a technical gizmo,shouting back to the boat that it's radioactive.  The crew shout to him to get the hell out of the water and get back to the boat and so they pull him back up and he declares things are worse than they initially thought and this is much stronger than your typical industrial waste. 

Despite what it may look like, Kevin is not played by Greg Sestero

Kevin declares that they should stay there for the night and then head back to the village in the morning to blow the whistle, Bob thinks they should gather more information first, but Kevin points out that they aren't equipped to deal with radioactive waste and they should pass it on to people who are better equipped to sort the situation out.

That night the boat crew are camped out somewhere, and all except for Kevin who has gone to bed early, are sat around a camp fire discussing how tired they are and how they have had a long day.  The little dog wanders off from the camp and starts barking at something unseen in the bushes and runs all the way to the boat where he starts barking at the water.  Cutting back to the camp we hear the dog cry out and the dark haired girl goes looking for him.

She calls out for the little dog, but of course the dog doesn't respond, she wanders through the bushes and eventually comes to where the boat is docked.  She kneels by the waters edge and finds the dog's collar, then the crocodile jumps up and she remains perfectly still and allows the croc to get her, very polite of her really. 

The next morning the crew begin to take down their camping equipment and wonder about the whereabouts of the dark haired girl and the dog, they decide to see if she's down by the water as she's typically an early riser.  The girl is finally given the name 'Conchita', but since she's dead now there's not much use to having a name.  They think she may have wandered off and gotten lost so they pack up the boat and begin to go down the river very slowly, calling out her name.

As they travel down the river, the boat hits something, implied to be the crocodile, which knocks Pamela into the water.  They drag her back up into the boat and dry her off with towels, they decide to head back to the village where they should be able to recruit some locals who know the area better and come back later to look for Conchita. 

The boat makes it back to the village docks where there are some other boats and a villager greets them and helps them tie the boat to the dock, while a mysterious man watches on.  The group bundle themselves into a truck and head into the village and ask where they can find the police.  Some locals tell them that there are no police, but there is a judge and points them in the right direction.

The judge tells the group that he only has one man and one boat and he cannot afford to send him off to search for the missing girl.  The group expresses their disbelief and the judge tells them that they should stay away from the swamp because it's dangerous.  He says he can send for some men and dogs, but it'll take time for them to arrive and they don't know if the girl is even still alive as the swamp is filled with snakes, quicksand and crocodiles.

Pamela reckons that the judge is being paid off by the guy who is dumping the waste, the judge threatens to arrest them, but Kevin threatens him with reporters so he backs off.  The group head back to their boat and we cut to the mysterious guy from earlier at a desk being served coffee by a girl in an office.  The judge comes in and tells the man that he will have to stop dumping his stuff in the swamp.

Back on the boat the group consults the information that they have gathered but they run into some fell logs and mud and the boat becomes stuck, they use their big stick to try and budge their boat but seem to be having no luck so the guys jump into the water to attempt to rock it free, but the crocodile is watching them.  Pamela strips off her clothes and gets into the water to help while Jennifer attempts to steer the boat free, Pamela swims to grab a branch to help lever the boat free and ends up bumping into Conchita. 

Oh hai, Pamela!

Conchita is not looking too well at all to be honest.  Back at the village the judge docks his boat and carries a burlap sack and a gun, whilst another boat pulls out of the dock.  The judge discusses the finding of Conchita's body with the kid in his car, the locals believe it was a crocodile attack.  We cut to a simple looking morgue where a doctor assess the body which looks pretty chewed up, but quite different to the one that popped up in the water.

The doctor says it's probably a crocodile, the mystery man, Ken Foley, is back in the room and suggests it was murder and says he is a reporter.  The judge says that the group should come up with proof that they had nothing to do with Conchita's death, this is despite the fact that they reported her missing, then they went looking for her, then they found her and returned her body to the village, which isn't the smartest plan if you murdered someone.

Another man enters the room called Joe, and he asks the doctor what he thinks killed the girl, the doctor changes his tune and says it could have been a boat propeller and Joe says that's crap and it was definitely a crocodile, a large one at least 20 feet. 

Foley says that the only opinion that counts is the doctor's, but Joe says that if he says it was a crocodile, then it was a crocodile and it turns into a pissing match between the two guys.  Joe asked where it happened and says he'll go out to the site to check it out, the judge orders the group to leave and Foley asks the judge who Joe is.  The judge says that Joe's lived in the swamp for 30 years and there's no way he can be bought off.

Back at the group's boat, Jennifer says that she'll never be able to forget what happened to Conchita, Kevin agrees that they're all upset so they owe it to Conchita to get to the bottom of things.  They wonder if they could get Joe to help them track the crocodile or prove that Foley is polluting the river.  Kevin approaches Joe and offers to buy him a beer as we see the crocodile sneaking up to the dock in the background. 

Kevin, Joe and the gang sit down at a cafe/bar and they ask Joe about the waste that's being dumped into the river.  Meanwhile a little girl plays with a dolly by the river while some other kids toss a ball around and the crocodile sneaks up on them, two of the kids decide they're going home, and another one accidentally knocks the dolly out of the little girls hands where it falls into the river and the JAWS theme makes a triumphant return.

One of the kids spots the crocodile just as it decides that the dock actually looks quite tasty and has a munch on the support structures.  The dock collapses leaving the little girl clinging on for dear life and the other kid tries to grab her hand as the villagers noticed that the dock has collapsed and people coming running to try and help.

Well, when I say help, they just stand on the shore line in a big crowd watching the little girl scream for help instead of actually doing anything useful.

The croc waits at the bottom of the dock, hoping that the little girl is going to slide into it's mouth, and instead of just pulling the little girl up, some idiot comes over and hangs himself off the side of the dock too and attempts to push her up, which is utterly stupid as his legs are much longer than the little girls and well within biting distance.

Imbecile

The guy slides into the croc's mouth and gets bitten and the croc carries him off into the water, the group at the cafe, plus Joe, notice a lot of people running and screaming and wonder what's going on.  Another guy runs onto the dock to help the little girl, but his foot falls through the dock and his leg becomes stuck and dangles above the water.  This allows the croc to come along and give it a little love bite and the croc pulls the guy completely through the dock in some very inconsistent effects shots. 

The group and Joe arrive and Kevin & Bob run into the water and Joe stands on the end of a short dock with a gun.  Kevin grabs a piece of wood and stabs the crocodile in the mouth, which looks very silly and very revealing that it is as model, as if it wasn't obvious enough before.  The little girl slides into the water and Bob catches her and he and Kevin swim the girl to safety whilst Joe shoots at the crocodile from his boat.

The crocodile decides he's had enough fun for the day and swims off, but only after Joe had shot it about a dozen times first.  Later we see Kevin and Bob and the others enter a bar and approach the judge and Joe, asking if they're going to kill the crocodile.  I like the environment and crocodiles as much as the next guy, but this thing is a menace so I hope these idiots aren't going to get all conservationist at this point in time.

Joe says that the crocodile is already as good as dead and Kevin gets moody about it, saying that they're against killing of any kind and they try to argue that the croc is possibly one of a kind and is an important discovery.  I kinda hope Joe feeds Kevin to the crocodile at this point.  In the original Lake Placid, I could get away with them attempting to catch the crocodile first because it was clearly a hundred year old crocodile who had managed to survive and thrive in a lake and only ate a person as a matter of opportunity and circumstance and they had the means to capture and transport the croc to it's own new habitat.  This one isn't just eating for food, it's doing it for the lulz and is clearly affected by the radioactive waste that the group discovered and appear to have forgotten about.

So the group try to make some idiotic arguments and I'm on the side of the judge, because the group are acting like blind people.  Joe goes to buy some big bullets in order to blow the crocodile up and we cut to a shipping yard where we see Foley speaking to a man, then we cut back to Joe who is being harassed by the group again.

Joe rightly tells the group they're idiots, all the group care about is their own agenda and they refuse to even entertain the idea that it's a good idea to kill the stupidly huge crocodile.  This kind of agenda pisses me off, I hate hunting for sport and I really, really hate the shark fin industry for the damage they are doing to the shark population, whalers, trophy hunters, I really hate that stuff.  However, when people say you shouldn't kill anything, I think they're idiots.  If there's a dangerous wild animal hunting people and your choice is limited to either killing it or allowing it to continue killing people, you kill the animal.  If there's other options then that's great, but in this case they need to kill the crocodile. 

Imbeciles

Kevin decides that they're going to follow Joe and stop him should he run into the crocodile.  Foley meets with a guy in some sort of bar that's filled with trophy kills, the guy says that dumping waste is too risky and he won't do it again, despite Foley trying to persuade him otherwise.

On the river Pamela and Jennifer discuss feeling guilty over the death of Conchita, Mark says that they shouldn't feel guilty and they should be fighting to save the crocodile, you know, the one that ate their friend and her little dog too.  Mark wonders if the size of the croc has to do with the radioactive waste and Jennifer dismisses the idea completely because she's a moron.  Jennifer suggests it could be a marine crocodile which grow larger, Mark thinks this is stupid and says it's the radioactive waste, so he and Jennifer start to argue about it.

The boat breaks down mid-river and the group realise they are now stuck in the swamp, unless of course someone wants to swim back into town.  Joe travels down the river and ties his boat off at a spot where there is a hut structure with a large hole in the side of the building.  Joe finds a large tooth and cautiously enters what could be the crocs lair.  He goes up the stairs and checks out some manly croc scars in the mirror, then leaves again.

Hey guys, let's camp right on the rivers edge, the croc will know we're on it's side!

Jennifer suggests that they walk back into town for a mechanic, until Mark points out that they're on the wrong side of the river and this would mean swimming across to get to the other side.  Kevin agrees that it's too risky, but is uncomfortable with their position  on the river.  It's ok though because as night falls, the crocodile they so desperately want to protect is stalking their camp site.

Pamela wakes in the middle of the night to see the crocodile watching them, she wakes up Kevin, but when he looks out nothing is there.  Mark wakes up too, followed by Bob and Jennifer, but they see nothing in the water.  Mark hops up and grabs his camera and sits on the boat to take a photo of the crocodile.  The others try to persuade him to get out of the very large wood and metal boat and get back inside the totally safe, cloth tent. 

The boat starts to rock and it appears that the croc has grabbed the anchor line and begins to pull the boat out onto the river with the three men board, leaving the two girls on the shore.  The girls call for them to come back, but obviously the guys don't have much control over it and so they float into the darkness.

The crocodile bursts through the side of the boat and Kevin tries to take a picture of it, but Kevin and Bob stop him for some reason which isn't entirely clear.  Now that their boat has a big fecking hole in the side of it the guys aren't quite sure what to do, since the crocodile has now buggered off and they are taking on water.

The crocodile attacks the boat with it's tail and Mark almost falls into the water, but Kevin pulls him back.  They wonder what they will do now and Mark says that because they have a rope he will swim to shore and pull in the boat, he knows the shore isn't far and the crocodile has swam away now so he fancies his chances.  Kevin says that he will go and hands Bob the end of the rope to tie off.

Kevin swims into the darkness and makes it to the shore, where he begins to tie off the rope to a tree stump, but it appears that the croc is back as the boat rocks and Bob falls into the water, so Mark shouts for him to swim, even though he's two feet away from the boat and Mark could easily pull him back up. 

Mark is completely useless though and is unable to help Bob at all so Bob becomes crocodile food, but Mark shouts for Kevin to help him.  Kevin, being an idiot, decides to swim back to the boat and of course the croc is right behind him.  As he makes it back to the boat Mark throws his camera into the crocs mouth, because...  crocodiles love kodak? 

The croc slinks off to digest his meal of Bob and photographs and it cuts to the next day.  Kevin and Mark have managed to get the boat to the shoreline and have lit a fire, technically, they should not be far from the girls, but the girls are nowhere to be seen.  A boat comes down the river and they try to attract it's attention as Joe is driving the boat.  Joe merrily waves to them and picks them up, then goes and picks up the girls.

Joe brings the group back to his hut house from earlier and Pamela freaks out when she sees a snake on the balcony, but Joe assures her that the snake is his pet.  Back at the village a little boy calls for the judge, telling him that Joe is radioing him.  The judge speaks to Joe on the radio where Joe tells him that croc has eaten someone else and he should inform the county sheriff.  Where the hell is this movie set anyway?  Don't tell me America because it doesn't even vaguely resemble America, it has a more South America/Carribean feel to it and all.  *backtrack through movie* I found a sign from an earlier point saying that they were in Santo Domingo which is in the Dominican Republic. 

Joe tells the judge that he needs to round up some boys to help hunt down the croc, the judge mocks him but Joe tells him to stick it up his arse because if he'd seen the croc he'd have called in the army by now.

The judge talks to Foley and tells him that Joe is probably right and he should call in the county boys, but Foley tells him not to call in anybody, because he's an idiot and is more worried about his chemical waste being discovered.  In Joe's hut the group are sat about looking very depressed because of the death of Bob and Kevin sits and doodles a drawing of the crocodile which is quite good so I don't for a second believe that he actually drew it, not that it looks anything like the big fake as hell crocodile anyway.

Joe tells them they can find some food on the shelf and tells him to give some to the girls, Mark asks what it is, but Joe says that if he's hungry, he'll eat it and if he's going to ask questions, he can put it back on the shelf.  Joe asks Kevin if he still thinks the crocodile should be saved and thankfully Kevin has come to his senses and says that if he gets chance he will kill it.  It only took the croc killing his close personal friend, Conchita, her little dog and the two men who tried to save the little girl weren't important enough for him to give a shit.

Joe tells them they should take turns keeping watch because the big hole in the side of his hut was made by the croc.  He doesn't suggest that some of them sleep upstairs away from big said hole of course.  Kevin says that he and Mark should take turns as the girls are exhausted and Mark volunteers to go first and takes Joe's gun, Joe warns him to watch out for snakes while he's out there.

Mark sits outside in a deck chair and Kevin joins him, Mark asks Kevin if he meant what he said, Kevin says that he does though he doesn't expect Mark to understand.  Mark blames himself because he tried to take the photo, Kevin blames himself because he brought the group there.

In the morning the judge sets out on his boat with Foley, the judge warns Foley that the boat is too big for the swamp, but Foley ignores him because he knows fuck-all and think he's always right.  They come to the discarded barrels which the group found earlier and Foley hands the judge a gun and tells him to keep watch whilst he's working.

As Foley works, attaching dynamite to the barrels, we hear the JAWS theme again, which means that the crocodile is watching and isn't far away.  Foley panics as he finds a leach attached to his arm, he asks the judge to pull it off, but the judge won't so he rips it off himself, which is a bad idea.

The judge tells Foley they can't blow the barrels up because they'll pollute the whole swamp, but I think it's a little bit late for that to be honest.  Foley tells the judge to stop worrying or he'll tell people who the judge really is, the judge reveals that he is an ex-con, but says he's not a killer and if they pollute the swamp it will affect everyone.  Foley punches the judge and knocks him into the water, the judge screams for help because he can't swim, but Foley drives off and leaves him there.

Then...  *sigh*  something truly ridiculous happens. 

The crocodile launches itself out of the water by a good twenty or so feet, much higher than it should be able to support itself launching out of the water at that angle, put it that way.  Not that it would be able to launch itself vertically either because the water just isn't deep enough.

Once it's done that Foley falls into the water, then kind of pushes himself into the mouth of the crocodile, it's hard to convey in screencaps.

 Then Foley gets his arm bitten off, and a very fake stump it is too.

With out "villains" of the movie now completely fucked, Foley's boat explodes for good measure.  Joe and the group hear the explosion, Kevin tells Mark to stay with the girls and he and Joe head out on the boat.  They follow the smoke through the swamp, trying to figure out it's origin.  Kevin points out the barrels to Joe and shows him the charges (they when the camera cuts to them, they clearly aren't there), he tells Joe they must remove the charges because if they go off it will destroy the entire swamp.

Joe says they'll deal with that later, he tells Kevin to pull in and they come across the body of the judge which is bloody and half eaten.  Joe tells Kevin to keep his eyes open for the croc and then we see said croc slinking through the water.  Back at the house hut, the girls and Mark wonder how things are going.  Joe and Kevin slow the boat down and Joe tells Kevin that when he gives the signal he should speed up, then Joe begins to hit the water with a big stick.

We see some bubbles and the body of Foley rises to the surface, Joe taunts the crocodile, but there's no sign of it yet so he tells Kevin to head for the shore.  They drive slowly up river, keeping a careful look out and Joe says he needs bait so he cuts his forearm with a knife and drips blood into the river.

Because Joe is badass

We see the crocodile watching them from a distance and the croc slowly moves in, Joe shoots at it, but nothing happens so he grabs a harpoon and begins stabbing it.  When that appears to have no effect, Joe gets even more badass and hops out of the boat.

And rides the crocodile like a surfboard

Joe goes for a ride on the croc, stabbing at it repeatedly with his harpoon.  The croc sinks into the water and Kevin turns the boat around and goes after Joe, we see a load of bubbles and Kevin resigns himself that Joe has been killed under the water.

He takes the boat back down the river, back towards the hut house where Pamela is complaining that there isn't enough food.  Kevin tells them that the croc got Joe and he is now determined to kill the crocodile.  They search the house for weapons and Mark finds some gas and suggests making molotov cocktails.

Pamela questions what has happened to Kevin, so he tells her and Jennifer to stay there and he and Mark head out on the boat.  The guys search the swamp and we see the crocodile watching them.  Kevin spots a nest of crocodile eggs, Mark is unsure if they should destroy them but Kevin doesn't think twice and shoots the eggs from the boat.  The crocodile is a bit pissed off about that and launches itself at the boat, rocking it. 

Kevin shoots at the crocodile, but it doesn't do much, the croc knocks the boat again and Kevin falls into the water and also drops the gun, the croc narrowly misses a bite of his legs.  The croc creates a hole in the boat and Mark panics as the boat begins to sink as they take on water, Kevin grabs a propeller and then we hear Joe shout, "this will bring you luck, kid."

Joe's hat goes flying through the air and Kevin catches it and puts it on and we see that Joe is injured, but alive and on the river bank.  Kevin puts the hat on and Joe tells Kevin to use the propeller on the croc.  Mark screams for Kevin to hurry and Kevin struggles to get the motor going, but eventually he does and throws it into the mouth of the croc where it chews up the crocodile, killing it and for some reason making the crocodile explode and burst into flames.

The guys float the boat down the river, beaten, exhausted, but elated that they have succeeded.  Kevin offers to return Joe's hat, but Joe declines.  As they move down river they hear some splashing sounds and the camera cuts to a lone egg hatching.  End of Movie.

Summary:

For all the dodgy stuff in this movie, the shoddy camera work, the very fake looking crocodile, the painfully bad dubbing and some of the effects work, this is actually not that bad a movie.  The pacing is pretty good and unlike Alligator or Black Water, I didn't feel bored waiting around for something to happen, something always seems to be going on and pushing the plot forward and for that I salute the movie.

Though I did keep a tally of the amount of times the movie directly stole from JAWS and though I didn't mention all of them in the review itself, it was far too numerous to completely forgive.

For a movie made in 1989, it weirdly feels like it was made in the 70's, perhaps it was the quality of the film or the haircuts sported by the lead actors, but it felt like a much older film than it actually was.  Saying that however, I did enjoy this movie.

For all the crocodile looked very fake most of the time it was on screen, the death scenes were pretty entertaining.  I did think the environmental message shoe-horned in was pretty stupid, but thankfully the characters dropped that attitude eventually which allowed me to stop hating them.

Joe is the most badass character in the movie and I think it might have been a slightly better one had he been the main character all along, but it would be a bit late in the day now for them to change that.

6 & 1/2 out of 10

No. of blatant JAWS rip offs:  17