Warning, this is a spoiler based review
Since that's all the information wiki has about this movie, that's pretty much all I can say. I will try not to get waylaid on a rant about the inaccuracies of the shark. I did say, try.
The film opens on a camera going through a swamp, unsurprisingly, with some stick footage of gators and crocs to some hip and groovy country rock guitar, then we cut to some college kids having a little party by the water, drinking beer and playing the harmonica. Kids today. The fuzz arrives and breaks up the party and the kids scatter to their cars and a boat.
Inside the cop car we see the cop, who's that guy from showgirls, Al, radioing someone and telling them to "bring it on in", then we get an aerial shot of the road and a shot of a big truck with a mysterious pipe thing on the back.
|*props department* Just give him a badge and a hat, he'll totally look like a sheriff!|
As he climbs to the top of the tank with a rope, swamp shark, (let's not pretend it's anything else), breaks a hole through the top and he goes flying so the driver runs to attach the strap. Though if swamp shark is strong enough to rip through metal, I doubt a few frayed tow ropes are going to make much difference. All the straps break off and the tank comes flying off the truck, crushing the driver, it barely misses Al and it lands in the water, allowing swamp shark to escape. Al tells his friend to not tell anyone and to get the truck out of sight.
We now go to a pub/restaurant place where people are dining and dancing to some funky country rock music. Movie Buffy is a waitress there called Rachel and she tells a young girl to stop texting and get to work, Rachel's boyfriend is the bartender and she catches him flirting with a young girl which she isn't happy about. It's an important time at the restaurant though as it's time to feed the gators! Hey, this isn't killer crocodile season, this movie is called Swamp Shark! The diners line up outside and a guy feeds some baby gators whilst giving some info, allowing Krystal (the texting girl) and the bus boy to sit down and have a beer.
They arrest the gator guy and Al arrives to look menacing and shake his head whilst looking at a clip board, Al wants to bone Rachel so he blackmails her into going out with him to let the gator guy, Jason, go. He's so gonna get eaten by swamp shark. Somre fratty boys pull up to the restaurant and invite Krystal to go for a drink with them out on the lake where the cops won't find them, much to the dismay of the busboy.
Jackson, the drunk from the restaurant returns as it's dark with a comically large bottle of poison which he pours on the gators for some reason, he knocks a bottle of generic brand whiskey into the water and splashes about to retrieve it. We see swamp sharks fin swim up to the dock he's standing on and he notices it, swamp shark bumps the post of the dock and he falls into the water, allowing swamp shark to eat him, then it decides to eat the gators too.
The next morning everyone is sad because the gators have been eaten and Rachel's boyfriend acts like a douche as he doesn't believe her that it could be a shark and in a spectacular case of did do the research, the busboy correctly lists off a bunch of sharks who can survive in fresh water. The sheriff arrives to find out why a gun shot was fired off at five in the morning, his deputy finds Jacksons hat and decides to take Jason in for questioning, then they find Jackson's arm and the sheriff assumes that Jason chopped him up. Rachel tells the sheriff that it was a shark, he laughs at her and tells her he's going to shut her restaurant down.
The sheriff leaves and everyone worries at the restaurant about losing their jobs so Rachel decides to load up on guns and hunt down the shark to clear their names. The restaurant used tracking chips in their gators so use the gps tracking to find out where the shark is as if it ate the gators the chips should be in it's stomach. The busboy points out that they can cut it open and find the tracking chips inside and also make a mould of it's bite and match it to the bites on Jacksons arm.
|Busboy and amateur ichthyologist|
The group set off on a boat through the swamp to hunt down the shark and the boyfriend gets all jealous because Tommy has come and brought his big gun. Meanwhile, back at the restaurant Krystal considers calling the frat boys to join their party, on the water, the water in which she knows a shark is in.
The shark hunters find the gators tracking chips floating in the water, so it turns out that the shark has pooped them out already, ok, I'm not exactly sure what kind of shark this is supposed to be yet, other than fantasy made for sci fi shark, but I'm pretty sure that if it ate the gators late the previous night, it wouldn't have pooped them out already.
Elsewhere college kids are making out on a party boat and a guy dangles his feet near the water, I wonder what's going to happen to him? As he kisses his girlfriend, the movie fakes me out as his friend comes up from the water and grabs his foot. Two of the other kids on the boat want to find something more private to have private sex time and go to get a small boat to have sex on.
The shark hunters return to the restaurant and now Jason is hurt for some reason and their engine is smoking. The two college kids find a canoe and decide that's the perfect place to have sex, instead of a nice secluded room on the party boat. The guy takes a picture of the girl, but looks disturbed as he sees on the picture that there's a shark fin in the background on the water and he shows the girl. He thinks it's probably nothing, but the girl sensibly wants to be taken back to shore, so he starts paddling. Ok, why are people generally being not all that stupid? This is a sci fi channel movie, I expected less of them.
Back at the restaurant, Rachel pushes Jason's knee back in place and everyone is ready to go again except for the boyfriend who starts threatening Tommy over his jealousy. Rachel tells him to dial it back and he says he can have any girl he wants so she kisses Tommy, the boyfriend tries to hit Tommy so Jason picks him up and dangles him over the water, quickly settling the dispute.
While Rachel and her boyfriend argue outside, Tommy talks to the busboy as he clearly fancies Krystal, the busboy says he doesn't have s shot, but Tommy tells him to go for it and seize the moment, so the busboy runs away.
The next morning, the busboy lets me down by failing a basic google search, he says that he can't identify the shark as it has a weird exoskeleton that must have been growing for a hundred years, but sharks don't live that long. Yes, busboy, yes they do. (ok, some of them do, but still a fail.) While it's clear to me this must be some kind of freaky lab created or super mutant shark, that hasn't seemed to occur to him. He shows Rachel a web page about a deep trench probe being attacked by a shark and hypothesises it could be their shark, but that would mean anything that could survive at that depth would be almost indestructible. Like all those indestructible clams, crabs, tube worms and angler fish that live in the mariana trench! Fail, movie!.
Later on it's gator fest, which is sort of like a local carnival or fair, there's lots of tents set up with games and food and people are playing in the water. Two deputies arrive and they discuss having to watch the water for sharks just in case. A couple of other deputies are also water the water, though one decides he'd rather watch a couple making out.
A deputy spots the shark fin in the water to his disbelief, but it disappears and he doesn't notice a gator sneak up on him and it almost snaps him so he runs.
|Da, na na na na na na na, SWAMP SHARK!|
Meanwhile at the restaurant, Krystal gets a call from the frat boy to attend their party, which she decides to attend, because she's too dumb to live. The busboy has figured out that the shark is going to be near the gator fest so the shark hunters load up, while Krystal arrives at the party boat. She tries to warn him about the shark, but he doesn't listen and neither do any of the others. This is the point where you walk away, Krystal.
The frat boy throws Krystals phone in the water as she tried to call for help, one of the guys offers to buy her a new phone, but refuses to listen about the shark. Rachel gets a phone call from Tommy to meet him at the hospital, it turns out he's undercover Fish and Wildlife. He shows her the remains he found which proves that it was a shark attack, she looks very queasy, he really could have called her about it.
Why is the sheriff acting like this? He knows it's a shark and there's very little way it could come back to him. The group steals the sheriff's boat and they get a radio call from Krystal, but the frat guy pulls the radio out of the wall for some reason. He starts arguing with another guy because he's breaking the boat, but the frat guy only cares that Krystal is "telling on him".
The party boat's engine gets tangled in some swamp foliage (I don't know plants) and the sheriff tries to radio the headless deputy, but of course he gets no reply. Now the party boat is stuck and they don't have any way to call for help. The dickish frat boy draws the short straw to go in the water, even though Krystal tells him to stay out of the water. Krystal finds a flare gun aboard the boat and happily the frat boy gets pulled off the boat ladder by swamp shark.
The group arrive in the area where they saw the flare, but the party boat isn't there. Rachel calls the busboy and tells him to head to the jail while she has another call to make. Rachel calls the jail to speak to Jason and she tells him to use the phone to strangle the deputy and escape, the busboy arrives in the buggy and they drive off.
On the party boat the guy turns the engine around to detangle the engine out of the water, but swamp shark grabs him and eats him. Krystal screams for Rachel and Rachel hears her so she starts heading in the direction. In the buggy, the busboy tells Jason that the shark is built like a tank and they have to attack it through the mouth. *sigh* I'll discuss this critical research failure at the end.
Jason and the busboy steal one of those boats you see in the film with a big fan and head off, while Rachel has finally spotted the party boat, but the shark is still lurking.
Swamp sharks eats him and we're two arseholes down with one to go. The boat rides off with swamp shark in pursuit, Rachel calls the busboy and Jason and tells them to head to gator fest as that's where the shark is heading. To quote panto, "HE'S BEHIND YOU!" Busboy and Jason arrive at gator fest, much to the sheriff chagrin and they quickly jump off the boat and start building a scooby doo style trap for the shark.
The group in the sheriff's boat arrive and Krystal helps the injured girl into the ambulance while the others begin setting up their trap. One of the deputies spot the shark in the water and everyone looks comically horrified as it swims past a bunch of kids in the water and the sheriff finally grows a conscious and tells them to get the kids out of the water. They do just in time, then this happens.
Tommy heads into the warer to perform movie cliché 267, cutting the palm of his hand with his harpoon to attract the shark. He harpoons the shark and then starts heading to land, he throws his harpoon gun into the rotar blades of the boat, which the busboy operates as Jason and Krystal help to keep the boat in place.
Swamp shark is dragged across the land and into the blades until it's completely chopped into pieces and everyone celebrates that they've killed the shark. Tommy arrests the guy who was the sheriffs friend and Tommy and Rachel decide to go for coffee as we get a final shot of the restaurant. End of Movie.
Quick shark lesson, this is a picture of the bluntnose sixgill shark.
This stuff pisses me off, not just because I already know the information, but because it's so easy to find out, five minutes on google gets you everything you need to know.
That stuff aside, a lot of the shark info was accurate, but it would have been so much easier to drown the shark by pulling it backwards through the water, dead in seconds. Just saying.
It on the whole wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, the acting was pretty decent and aside from the previously mentioned inaccuracies, the plot was kinda ok. The effects were alright aside from an obvious CGI gator and the parts where swamp shark is on land, they were mostly consistent and I could live with them.
Not a great movie, but kind of entertaining, much easier to watch than some of the stuff I suffered through during the killer crocodile season. I'm giving the movie points for being funny in places and the jaws shout out, some decent effects and decent acting. It's completely watchable if you're up for a B movie and you don't care about the accuracies of the shark information.
5 & 1/2 out of 10